2) I was in our University Bookstore the other day looking at software when I overheard a salesman talking to a lady about an iMac.

1) Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

2) Customer: "Does my PC support a Pentilum 3?"

3) When working at a computer chain store, I had to keep a straight face while this guy kept calling the (new at the time) Pentium processors "Pentootium" processors.

4) Tech Support: "Ok, when the machine reboots, hit the 'del' key a few times. You should see a blue screen."
Customer: "Ok, it tells me that I am in the Cosmos setup."

I'm sorry, these are just too funny not to share with you guys. Oh I'm sad...

[This message has been edited by BoondockSaint (edited 10-30-2001).]

1) Customer: "I'm in 386 enchanted mode."

2) Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

3) Tech Support: "Ok, in the lower left-hand corner of File Manager, what does it have for 'Free'?"
Customer: "10,578 kegabytes."

4) I was just talking to a user who had been having problems with her machine -- it was losing its settings every time she turned it on.
Her: "I asked my boyfriend about it. He knows about computers, and he said it sounds like it might need a new sea monster battery."
It took me a while to figure out what she meant.

1) Customer: "Does this monitor come with the latest version of the Internet?"

2) Tech Support: "Please click on the 'start' button."
Customer: "What 'start' button?"
Tech Support: "In the lower left hand corner there is a button that says 'start'."
Customer: "There is no button."
Tech Support: "You are using Windows NT?"
Customer: "Yes. The button is on the right hand side, and there is a little green light next to it. You want me to push that?"
Tech Support: "No sir, that's the power button. Is there a gray bar across the bottom of the screen with buttons on it?"
Customer: "There is no gray bar. It is white, and it opens, and there are buttons inside."
Tech Support: "No. Sir, on the TV part of the monitor is there a gray bar that you can point at with the mouse, using the cursor that is on the screen."
Customer: "There are some dials. There is one that has a picture of a sun on it, but I don't have any idea what those are for."

3) Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
The proper response to this, of course, is:
"For christ's sakes!! Get that fuckin' thing off there!!!!"

Okay, I added the last part...hehehe

Is anyone enjoying these with me? Am I alone in my crowd?

1) A lady bought a computer from us. About a month later, she came in and asked us to install a sound card which can support CDROM drives. So we installed a Soundblaster Pro for her. A week later, she brings the machine in and starts ragging us out because her CDROM drive isn't working, and "It won't eject the disk."

I look at the computer. "But you don't have a CDROM drive!" I exclaim. She points at the 5 1/4" disk drive and says, "What kind of computer salesman are you? Can't even recognize a CDROM drive when you see one?"

It seems she had decided her 5 1/4" floppy drive was in fact a CDROM drive, and since the CD fit in quite nicely, it had to be a CDROM drive.

Long and short of it: the drive was destroyed, the CD was destroyed, and all the technicians were laughing for a few hours.

2) When working at the Blinn College computer lab I had a girl come up to the desk and ask why her cdrom drive was not working. I went to check it out and to my surprise she had crammed the expensive software CD into the 5 1/4" drive. I had to take apart the drive to get the CD out, and of course it was ruined. A week later, the same girl came in and did it AGAIN.

3) Customer: "What is this shiny record for?"
Tech Support: "The shiny record?"
Customer: "Yes, it came with the printer. It won't fit in the slot."
Tech Support: "What slot?"
Slowly it dawned on me that the shiny record was a cdrom disk, and the slot was the 3 1/2" floppy drive. She had no idea what a CD was or how to use it.

4) Customer: "My computer is asking for a CD labeled 'Windows 95 CD-ROM', but I don't have this CD."
Tech Support: "Are you sure you looked in all the boxes that came with your computer."
Customer: "Yes, I checked everywhere."
I pulled up her invoice and confirmed that the Windows 95 CD was shipped with her order.

Tech Support: "Do you have any CDs at all with your system?"
Customer: "Yes, I've got this Windows 95 CD."
Tech Support: (uh...) "That is the CD that the computer is requesting."
Customer: "No, it's not. This CD is labeled 'Windows 95', and the computer is asking me for a CD labeled 'Windows 95 CD-ROM'."

I think that's proof enough that they should just bear children and cook.

-Boondock

1. Breed
2. Drive
3. Breath
4. Breed
5. Use computers
6. Breed
7. Use power tools
8. Breed
9. Drive

1) Customer: "I can't do this button right."
Tech Support: "Come again?"
Customer: "I can't do this button on the screen. It says I have to click on this button, but I can't seem to figure it right."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, exactly how are you trying to click on the screen?"
Customer: "Well, I'm pressing the button on the screen with the mouse thing."
Tech Support: "Wait a second -- are you touching the screen?"
Customer: "Of course! I'm pressing the mouse thing on the button!"
The client was physically touching the screen with the mouse. I had her put her poor mouse down onto its mouse pad and vainly tried to explain to her the relationship between mouse and cursor. She didn't get it. It was like a video game that was too hard for her.

Tech Support: "Move the cursor onto the button that says 'Next'."
Customer: "Ok...ok...come on, move over there...come on come on comeoncomeoncomeon...DAMMIT, I went past it! Ok, get back there, come on you stupid thing...come one...OK! OK, I GOT IT ON THERE! IT'S ON THE BUTTON!!!"
Tech Support: (face in hands) "Now press the button on the mouse.
Customer: "Nothing happens."
Tech Support: "Are you pressing the right button or the left button?"
Customer: "How am I supposed to know which one is the right one to press?"
Tech Support: "Not right as in 'correct;' right as in 'the opposite of left.'"
Customer: "Oh. Yes, I'm pressing the right one."
Tech Support: "You need to press the left one."
Customer: "But I'm left-handed, and I want to press the other one."

"Strike down the wicked, so that all which is good may flourish..."

I say strike down the ignorant, uneducated bastards as well.

1) Customer: "I stuck something in my printer, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "What did you put in it?"
Customer: "It's a tortilla."
Tech Support: "Uh. How did you come to have a tortilla stuck in your printer?"
Customer: "I own a tortilla business. I thought it would be cool to print my logo on a tortilla."
I continue to be amazed that there are certain people out there that have access to technology.

WOW.

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

He said it made a sickening crunch sound.

1) A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.

Tech Support: "Sir, did you just install Office 97?"
Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????" (click)

2) One of my users recently came into the workforce and is literally terrified of her computer. Each sound it makes be it from the speaker or random drive noises causes her to flinch and turn pale. She sits at a custom-built wraparound desk surrounded by her computer, the switchboard, an electric typewriter (she hates that too), and the postal meter. In order to point at the screen I have to stand directly behind her chair.

She was having great problems with the telecoms software convincing herself that she really had downloaded the file. In order to demonstrate that the "dir" command would show her that her files really were in the directory I chose the c:\dos directory to use it on.

When the dozens of filenames flickered down the screen she was so panicked that she thrust her chair backwards crushing me between the chair and the typewriter.

To simplify things, I installed Windows 95 and demonstrated how to move files from the folder to the trash can. Later I wandered by her desk and noticed a forest of icons surrounding her trash can. She hadn't managed to hit it once.

3) I've done my time in tech support and have managed to live through some very weird calls, but this one was the best. An older lady bought a brand new desktop system with all the extras and had been using it for about a month when she got an error about an "illegal function." She took apart the whole system down to the hard drive and hid it in different parts of her house, called us, and wanted to know how much longer she had until the police were going to come get her. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time on the phone putting the system back together.

4) At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

The saddest thing? These are true stories.

-Boondock

1) Here is the side of the phone conversation you would have heard if you were sitting next to me during this phone call to a customer.

Tech Support: "Ok, if you want to access the program you just installed you need to first go to the start menu...the start menu.... Ok, you get to that by moving your pointer, with the mouse, to the start button...the start button.... You are using Windows 98, correct? Ok, the start button?...in the lower left hand corner of the screen?...the START button...the button that says 'start'... lower left hand corner...start...yes, it looks like a button...says 'start', that's right...start.... Now move your pointer to that button.... No leave the mouse on the table and just slide it.... See how the pointer moves on the screen...? Yes, very neat. Move it over to the start button.... Yes, the button we were just discussing.... Press the button.... What...? Oh...ok, now what I want you to do is push the power button again to turn the computer back on...."

-Boondock

Who's drinkin tonight?

Today's selection involve a little revenge from the tech support people.

1) One night there was a thunderstorm in the area, and one customer, notorious among the tech support crowd, called:

Customer: "Did you know about the thunderstorm? I heard that I should unplug my computer. Should I do that?"
Tech Support: "In most cases, yes, it is best to at least unplug your phone line. Lightning sometimes causes power surges that can damage your modem."
Customer: "Can it damage other things as well...like the phone?"
Tech Support: "I've never heard of that happening before, but it is a possibility."
Customer: "So do you think that I should unplug the phone from my computer and from all the phones as well?"
Tech Support: (frustrated) "Couldn't hurt."
Customer: "So when can I plug them all back in?"
Tech Support: (really annoyed now) "When the storm is over."
Customer: "How will I know when it's safe, though?"
My face lit up like a Christmas tree, and it was all I could do to keep myself breathing evenly.

Tech Support: "I will call you."
Customer: "Ok! Thank you!"

2) I work as a clerk in a computer store. Once a guy came in needing RAM for his 486. I told him he probably needed parity SIMMs.

Customer: "Isn't non-parity faster?"
Me: "Well, yeah, more or less."
Customer: "That's what I want."
Me: "Well, sir, that won't work in your machine."
Customer: "Yes, it will. My friend said it was faster and that it would work."
Me: "Sir, non-parity is for 120 Pentiums and better. I assure you, it will not work in your machine."
Customer: "My friend says it will, and he's a computer genius."
Me: "Fine."
I put the parity away and got him two 8 meg non parity. As he left, I got a good one in.

Me: "See you tomorrow. Hang on to your receipt."

SIDE NOTE - I have personally said this over a dozen times when I worked at Best Buy, and every time, I got a laugh when they showed up the next day pissed that I "hadn't helped them enough".

3) This is a firsthand account of a phone conversation that occurred during my brief employment at an office supply store.

Customer: "Hi, do you carry modems there?"
Me: "Yes we do, we have quite a variety, is there any one in particular you are looking for?"
Customer: "No, not really. I'm just looking for some prices to work with."
Me: "Ok, well, are you looking for an internal or external modem?"
Customer: "External, definitely external."
Me: "We have some very generic 56K modems that run about 75-100 dollars. We also have a higher quality modem from 3-COM that are also 56K and cost about 150 dollars."
Customer: "WOW! Is that all they cost nowadays??"
Me: "Uhm, yep, that's about the usual prices of modems these days."
Customer: "And here I read in the flyer just the other week that they cost upwards of 800 dollars!"
Me: "Er...for a modem?"
Customer: "That's what I read in the flyer. I need a modem so I can do some work and get online and stuff."
Me: "Sir, how big would you say a modem is?"
Customer: "You're asking me? You're the tech guy, aren't you? I supposed they're a couple of feet tall."
Me: "Sir, what you want to purchase is a computer. A modem is just a small device that fits inside a computer that allows you to connect to the Internet."
Customer: "Yeah, that's what I want, a modem."
Me: "Do you own a computer?"
Customer: "No! What the heck do you think I'm calling asking for prices for!"
Me: "So you want prices on a new computer?"
Customer: "Yes! Dammit! Haven't you been listening?? I need to buy a new modem! May I speak with a manager please??"
Me: "Certainly, please hold."
This was gonna be good.

Manager: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "I want to purchase a new modem and that lout on the other line is making me feel like an idiot."
Manager: "So why don't you just take a ride over, and we can show you some of our modems?"
Customer: "Because he told me your modems cost 150 dollars."
Manager: "And?"
Customer: "I've seen them everywhere else for 800 or more."
Manager: "You mean a computer, don't you?"
Customer: (yelling) "Is there anyone in that stupid store that will listen to what I'm saying!?"
Manager: "Sir, you apparently are, after all, an idiot."
My manager and I laughed for weeks afterwards.

4) A support representative friend of mine came up to me one day and said that he thought he had done something wrong. He had been walking a novice Mac user through rebuilding her desktop. She tiresomely questioned every direction the technician made. After half an hour of patiently talking her through what should have been a one minute process, she finally stated, "Oh! Now it says, 'Are you sure you want to rebuild the desktop on the disk XXX?'"

Tech Support: "Ok--"
Customer: "Oh, now there's something like a spinning barber pole on the screen."
Tech Support: "You didn't press 'OK' did you?"
Customer: "Yes. You said 'OK'."
Tech Support: (acting alarmed) "I just said 'Ok,' I didn't mean for you to press 'OK'!"
Customer: (panicking) "What should I do now?"
Tech Support: "Run! Get out of there! Run! Run!"
The next thing he heard was the phone hitting the floor, the sound of rapidly retreating footsteps, and a door slam. After numerous calls over the course of an hour, the customer finally answered the phone. She had waited outside for an hour -- when the computer didn't explode, she went back inside and unplugged it.

And the MOTHER LOAD:

5)This is a true account of personal trial, which happened while I was working Tech Support for a company which sold Stock Analysis software. The company would sell data to its customers who would download said data from the company's database on a daily basis. Their listing of data was, therefore, kept on their hard drive, along with the data itself.

Me: "Thank you for calling, how can I help you?"
Him: "Yeah, I want my data back. You need my phone number?"
Me: "Back? What's happened to your data?"
Him: "It's gone. I need it back. Let's get this going, hmmm?"
Me: "Ummm...sir, what happened to it?"
Him: "Don't you worry about that. Just give me my freaking data."
Me: "Well, we have several options for data replacement. If you can send us a listing of the stocks you had--"
Him: "Send you a list? I don't have time for this !@*#$!&. Give me my data."
Me: "Uh, unfortunately, it's not that easy. We can--"
Him: "Look, buddy, don't jerk me around. Just press your little whachamajiggers there, zip me down my data, and we're good, ok?"
Me: "Well, sir, these are your options. You can--"
Him: "*$#& you, you stupid &#&$! Stick those options up your @#$*! Why won't you give me my data!?!?"
For the next half hour, I try to explain amidst all the interruptions that he is going to have to pay for the replacement data, either by downloading it again or by getting it on disk from us, and that it would be Monday at the earliest (this was Friday, one hour before closing) before he got it back regardless of which method he chose. This, of course, was unacceptable and resulted in me being subjected to more tirades of ridiculous cursing and genetic analysis. Finally, just to change the subject (he refused to hang up, which I was hoping for), I inquired further into the whereabouts of his missing data.

Me: "Sir, what exactly was it that happened to your data?"
Him: "You have it there! What the hell is in your head?"
Me: "What happened to the data you used to have?"
Him: "Well, this is a new computer, and I need it here, if you morons can handle that."
Me: "Oh! Well, we can transfer it from the old machine. Is it--"
Him: "Nope, nope, can't do that. It's dead."
Me: "Dead?"
Him: "That's right, dead. Your software killed it, so I threw it away."
Me: "You...threw it away? What was wrong with it?"
Him: "What are you, deaf?!? It wouldn't work any more, the monitor, laser printer, nothing, so I threw it all away."
Me: "You threw away the printer?!?"
Him: "Yeah, damn thing cost me $8000 to replace it all, and I'm gonna sue you guys!"
Me: "Well, um, what was wrong with it? Did it get hit by lightning or something?"
Him: "I told you, your software killed it! You got @#!+ in your ears? I put your $#^&*# disk in, and the whole computer just died."
Me: "Died."
Him: "That's right, pooboy!! It wouldn't load anymore, not even windows, just a blank screen with some gobbledygook babble on it."
Me: "What babble was this? An error message?"
Him: "You're damn right, an error message, caused by your software!!! I hope you can clean toilets, buddy!"
Me: "Do you have the error message written down somewhere?"
Him: "Well, Mr. Smartypants, as a matter of fact I do! And I'm gonna use it in court to see you in rags!"
Me: "What's it say?"
Him: (rustle, rustle, curse, curse, mutter) "Ah hah! Here it is! It says, 'Non System Disk or Disk Error!' You'll pay for this!"
At this point, I, and the other techs who were listening in by now, shared a great laugh, which I didn't bother to mute.

Me: "Sir, you will be happy to know that you threw away a perfectly good $8000 set of machinery because you were stupid enough to leave a disk in the drive."
Him: (long silence) "...well, I'm still gonna sue you guys..."
Me: "I want front row seats in the courtroom. Have a nice evening." (click)
Epilogue: When he called back on Monday, the manager terminated his account for abusive behavior for that record two minutes, thirty-eight second call.

Have a good weekend boys!

-Boondock