Eric
12-10-2009, 02:18 PM
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/cb/TF2SteelPoster.jpg
2.5/5
Wow...2nd time viewing was definitely an eye-opener for me.
I saw this in the theater and it was the first movie I'd seen in the actual theater in months, so you can imagine how forgiving I was. That and the whole "I am a fanboy" thing.
However on the 2nd viewing of this wonderfully terrible movie, I was finally distracted by all the horribleness that this movie has in between all the awesome explosions and special effects.
Basically what I found this time is that the movie has 2 completely separate parts to it. The action, battle sequences, special effects and robot destruction are unbelievably GOOD for the most part. Yes, I agree there were times where I was like "WTF just happened, who punched who with what and where the f did that guy come from?" but as a whole I was still impressed with that part. Easily 5/5 for special effects, explosions, transformers, Sideswipe cutting that one dude in half and the whole Shanghai sequence was awesome.
Then we get to the story, dialogue, and characters. Wow...so bad. Unbelievably bad. Insulting to the brain bad. Proof that Michael Bay is whacked out of his mind gonzo bad. I mean special effects and MEGAN FOX RUNNING are one thing, but you must control your ADD!!!
Okay, here's the story of Transformers 2...if you haven't seen it just go see it because it is truly worth your 2 hours 26 minutes just so you can be like W T F Michael Bay.
Transformers 2: Okay, so the Autobots and the humans have formed a secret alliance, and are hunting down the Decepticons remaining on the planet. Of course, the black Air Force dude and the Captain from the first one are in charge, and he's a Major now...yet naturally he's in the field watching everyone around him get killed except for him. Um...okay, never mind, focus! So a couple new Autobots have arrived, and they're hunting down these Decepticons. Huge ones, in Shanghai go driving down the highway killing hundreds of people in cars, destroying everything in it's path but don't worry, we can cover that up with a "toxic chemical spill" story. yeah...we'll come back to that.
So Decepticons get killed in Shanghai because they AIR DROP Optimus Prime into the path of the big bad guy and he, naturally, shoots it a couple times, it crashes, tells them that "THE FALLEN ARE GONNA COME BACK AND SHIT MOFO" so Optimus does the naturally bad-ass thing: he shoots it in the head. Also, Sideswipe (A corvette) takes down a new Decepticon (an Audi) quite awesomely, and we're introduced (briefly) to the Twins, who we assume are going to be comic relief.
Awesome! At this point the movie is firing on all cylinders. Why? Because the dialogue hasn't started! It's been all action, all blowing stuff up, all visceral entertainment where your brain has literally shut down and you're just watching pretty colors and explosions. I think they subliminally flashed shots of a naked Megan Fox because I was so happy during this beginning. And then...
Okay, so now we go look at Shia LaBeoauf's character Sam...and WTF is with this guy seriously. He's in everything and he's not all that impressive in anything. Megan Fox would laugh at him in real life, but this is a Michael Bay movie so here we go. So Sam is off to College. A big expensive college apparently, and his girlfriend is Megan Fox. Right. FOCUS DAMMIT. So Megan Fox is trying to break up with him. And he is super smooth and tells her "ha ha, nice try I'm keeping you interested by giving you a long distance web cam kit so you don't go out and get blasted by the first guy who shows up" and she agrees. Okay. He also says, "Hey, do you want the old sweatshirt I wore the last time we fought alien robots, it's like my old football jersey" (note: Sam was not a very good football player [see Transformers 1]). Wait, what's this? A shard from the original All Spark falls out, Sam picks it up, looks at it and magic symbols get blasted onto his BRAIN! It also heats up, burns through the floor, lands in the kitchen and transforms all the appliances in the house into evil robots (why evil? Um...?). Hokay...so we're dangerously close to derailing here, but I think we can just keep plowing ahead with the hope that we'll be seeing more of the Shanghai type action soon.
Anyway, these new robots start blowing shit up, with machine guns, missiles and all sorts of new projectiles. They come up to Sam's room, and can't seem to shoot him even though he's a FOOT in front of them. They start blowing the house up, Sam yells (for the first of many times) "BUMBLEBEE!!!" and Bumblebee shows up, blows all the new little appliance transformers up along with half of the house. Then the police show up and the Witwiki's remember that they have to be quiet because of National Security. Don't worry, none of your neighbors saw the 30 foot GIGANTIC YELLOW ROBOT blowing shit up in your backyard. Sooo...yeah, Sam picks up the shard, gives it to Megan Fox (Mikaela) and we're off to college.
Okay, so we're still hanging on, but this movie is getting...messy. But oh there's more!
So once we get to college we find, oh how convenient, that Sam's roommate is a super geek who runs a alien robot website...and sells kitty calendars...and has hacked the dorm to make sure all the hotties are in his dorm. Okay, that part was actually kinda clever because it finally explains why EVERY SINGLE WOMAN is gorgeous in these movies. Not sure if any of you have been to a college dorm, but for every fine ass lady hanging out in her P.J.s in the hallway, there are about 49 fat, drunk, ugly, lonely ladies covered in tears. Well then, I have gotten off topic.
Okay, so back on the home front we find that one of the appliances that was transformed by Sam when he dropped the shard (see, that's the plot summary so far), is still alive, and is following Mikaela around because it knows she has the shard. Back at college, we are introduced to one of the more entertaining sequences of the film (that doesn't involve robots), when Sam flips out in his Astronomy class, reads the entire textbook in 37 seconds, interrupts the professor to tell him that "Einstein was wrong" and then proceeds to write a bunch of symbols on the chalkboard while muttering. Very funny, could have gone a lot of places with this concept but...well, it gets overwritten by something far less entertaining. A ROBOT HUMAN HOT CHICK TONGUE MACHINE! Sam goes to a frat party, freaks out again, writes symbols in cake, ridiculous hottie shows up and takes an interest in Sam (a random lap dance? okay!) and then Bumblebee shows up. Wait, what? I did laugh out loud (again) when the frat guy is like "is this your car on my lawn freshman?" and Sam says "We're just going to go and find you a tighter shirt" to which his friend says, "There isn't a tighter one, we checked!" then they fist bump. Funny stuff! Uh oh, here's the hottie jumps in Bumblebee, they drive off, she gets sprayed with coolant and she gets removed from the car. Hoookay. Meanwhile, Sam has stood up Mikaela on their first web date! Oh my!
Just...wow.
Okay, so Sam calls Mikaela to tell her of his freak out, she catches little appliance transformer puts him in a metal box and then GETS ON A PLANE WITH IT, and she comes to his college. Sam continues his mental freak out, painting symbols all over his dorm wall, and naturally the other hottie that got covered with coolant the night before has showed up and is all over Sam. You know what's going to happen next, yup the old "current girlfriend walks in to find you making out with new girl who is actually a robot in disguise and is about to attack you with her tongue." Man if I had a nickel for every time I typed those words. So Mikaela sees this, is sad, leaves, Sam tries to leave and we're treated to a giant tongue attack, followed by the hottie transforming into a robot sequence which apparently cost $2.5 million to make. For a 2 second bit. Attaboy, Michael Bay..way to spend it wisely. You could've probably paid 19 other writers that instead. But here we go, she transforms, walks through the college blowing shit up, Mikaela hot wires a car (oh god), crashes her into a lamppost which kills the evil robot (huh?) and the hot wired car gets picked up by a helicopter and flown to the waiting arms of the Decepticons! Oh, did I forget to mention that some Decepticons have resurrected Megatron and he's flown to Saturn to find his master who wants him to find what's in Sam's brain? Damn, forgot to mention that part. Okay, that happened too.
???
2.5/5
Wow...2nd time viewing was definitely an eye-opener for me.
I saw this in the theater and it was the first movie I'd seen in the actual theater in months, so you can imagine how forgiving I was. That and the whole "I am a fanboy" thing.
However on the 2nd viewing of this wonderfully terrible movie, I was finally distracted by all the horribleness that this movie has in between all the awesome explosions and special effects.
Basically what I found this time is that the movie has 2 completely separate parts to it. The action, battle sequences, special effects and robot destruction are unbelievably GOOD for the most part. Yes, I agree there were times where I was like "WTF just happened, who punched who with what and where the f did that guy come from?" but as a whole I was still impressed with that part. Easily 5/5 for special effects, explosions, transformers, Sideswipe cutting that one dude in half and the whole Shanghai sequence was awesome.
Then we get to the story, dialogue, and characters. Wow...so bad. Unbelievably bad. Insulting to the brain bad. Proof that Michael Bay is whacked out of his mind gonzo bad. I mean special effects and MEGAN FOX RUNNING are one thing, but you must control your ADD!!!
Okay, here's the story of Transformers 2...if you haven't seen it just go see it because it is truly worth your 2 hours 26 minutes just so you can be like W T F Michael Bay.
Transformers 2: Okay, so the Autobots and the humans have formed a secret alliance, and are hunting down the Decepticons remaining on the planet. Of course, the black Air Force dude and the Captain from the first one are in charge, and he's a Major now...yet naturally he's in the field watching everyone around him get killed except for him. Um...okay, never mind, focus! So a couple new Autobots have arrived, and they're hunting down these Decepticons. Huge ones, in Shanghai go driving down the highway killing hundreds of people in cars, destroying everything in it's path but don't worry, we can cover that up with a "toxic chemical spill" story. yeah...we'll come back to that.
So Decepticons get killed in Shanghai because they AIR DROP Optimus Prime into the path of the big bad guy and he, naturally, shoots it a couple times, it crashes, tells them that "THE FALLEN ARE GONNA COME BACK AND SHIT MOFO" so Optimus does the naturally bad-ass thing: he shoots it in the head. Also, Sideswipe (A corvette) takes down a new Decepticon (an Audi) quite awesomely, and we're introduced (briefly) to the Twins, who we assume are going to be comic relief.
Awesome! At this point the movie is firing on all cylinders. Why? Because the dialogue hasn't started! It's been all action, all blowing stuff up, all visceral entertainment where your brain has literally shut down and you're just watching pretty colors and explosions. I think they subliminally flashed shots of a naked Megan Fox because I was so happy during this beginning. And then...
Okay, so now we go look at Shia LaBeoauf's character Sam...and WTF is with this guy seriously. He's in everything and he's not all that impressive in anything. Megan Fox would laugh at him in real life, but this is a Michael Bay movie so here we go. So Sam is off to College. A big expensive college apparently, and his girlfriend is Megan Fox. Right. FOCUS DAMMIT. So Megan Fox is trying to break up with him. And he is super smooth and tells her "ha ha, nice try I'm keeping you interested by giving you a long distance web cam kit so you don't go out and get blasted by the first guy who shows up" and she agrees. Okay. He also says, "Hey, do you want the old sweatshirt I wore the last time we fought alien robots, it's like my old football jersey" (note: Sam was not a very good football player [see Transformers 1]). Wait, what's this? A shard from the original All Spark falls out, Sam picks it up, looks at it and magic symbols get blasted onto his BRAIN! It also heats up, burns through the floor, lands in the kitchen and transforms all the appliances in the house into evil robots (why evil? Um...?). Hokay...so we're dangerously close to derailing here, but I think we can just keep plowing ahead with the hope that we'll be seeing more of the Shanghai type action soon.
Anyway, these new robots start blowing shit up, with machine guns, missiles and all sorts of new projectiles. They come up to Sam's room, and can't seem to shoot him even though he's a FOOT in front of them. They start blowing the house up, Sam yells (for the first of many times) "BUMBLEBEE!!!" and Bumblebee shows up, blows all the new little appliance transformers up along with half of the house. Then the police show up and the Witwiki's remember that they have to be quiet because of National Security. Don't worry, none of your neighbors saw the 30 foot GIGANTIC YELLOW ROBOT blowing shit up in your backyard. Sooo...yeah, Sam picks up the shard, gives it to Megan Fox (Mikaela) and we're off to college.
Okay, so we're still hanging on, but this movie is getting...messy. But oh there's more!
So once we get to college we find, oh how convenient, that Sam's roommate is a super geek who runs a alien robot website...and sells kitty calendars...and has hacked the dorm to make sure all the hotties are in his dorm. Okay, that part was actually kinda clever because it finally explains why EVERY SINGLE WOMAN is gorgeous in these movies. Not sure if any of you have been to a college dorm, but for every fine ass lady hanging out in her P.J.s in the hallway, there are about 49 fat, drunk, ugly, lonely ladies covered in tears. Well then, I have gotten off topic.
Okay, so back on the home front we find that one of the appliances that was transformed by Sam when he dropped the shard (see, that's the plot summary so far), is still alive, and is following Mikaela around because it knows she has the shard. Back at college, we are introduced to one of the more entertaining sequences of the film (that doesn't involve robots), when Sam flips out in his Astronomy class, reads the entire textbook in 37 seconds, interrupts the professor to tell him that "Einstein was wrong" and then proceeds to write a bunch of symbols on the chalkboard while muttering. Very funny, could have gone a lot of places with this concept but...well, it gets overwritten by something far less entertaining. A ROBOT HUMAN HOT CHICK TONGUE MACHINE! Sam goes to a frat party, freaks out again, writes symbols in cake, ridiculous hottie shows up and takes an interest in Sam (a random lap dance? okay!) and then Bumblebee shows up. Wait, what? I did laugh out loud (again) when the frat guy is like "is this your car on my lawn freshman?" and Sam says "We're just going to go and find you a tighter shirt" to which his friend says, "There isn't a tighter one, we checked!" then they fist bump. Funny stuff! Uh oh, here's the hottie jumps in Bumblebee, they drive off, she gets sprayed with coolant and she gets removed from the car. Hoookay. Meanwhile, Sam has stood up Mikaela on their first web date! Oh my!
Just...wow.
Okay, so Sam calls Mikaela to tell her of his freak out, she catches little appliance transformer puts him in a metal box and then GETS ON A PLANE WITH IT, and she comes to his college. Sam continues his mental freak out, painting symbols all over his dorm wall, and naturally the other hottie that got covered with coolant the night before has showed up and is all over Sam. You know what's going to happen next, yup the old "current girlfriend walks in to find you making out with new girl who is actually a robot in disguise and is about to attack you with her tongue." Man if I had a nickel for every time I typed those words. So Mikaela sees this, is sad, leaves, Sam tries to leave and we're treated to a giant tongue attack, followed by the hottie transforming into a robot sequence which apparently cost $2.5 million to make. For a 2 second bit. Attaboy, Michael Bay..way to spend it wisely. You could've probably paid 19 other writers that instead. But here we go, she transforms, walks through the college blowing shit up, Mikaela hot wires a car (oh god), crashes her into a lamppost which kills the evil robot (huh?) and the hot wired car gets picked up by a helicopter and flown to the waiting arms of the Decepticons! Oh, did I forget to mention that some Decepticons have resurrected Megatron and he's flown to Saturn to find his master who wants him to find what's in Sam's brain? Damn, forgot to mention that part. Okay, that happened too.
???